Thursday, September 30, 2010

Taking one for the Team and Freak of the Week

Status Update




Week 6
Dates: 6


The Status thus Far (40 days in)
Winks I've Sent: 61 (it has been a slow week in the hottie department)
Winks I've Received: 107
Emails I've Sent:83
Emails I've Received: 110
Profile Views: 1460
Dates I've Had: 6
Freak Count: 5


Dating is a sport.  This is a new fact I have discovered.  You really have to get out there and hustle, show your enthusiasm and be ready to take a loss or two (or 5 in my case).  The schedule can be grueling and you always wear the same type of outfit (every girl should have a go to date outfit as well!), but the payoff can be great.  


However, this week I took a personal timeout.  With two dates scheduled again this week and one pending for this weekend, it was too much!  Shouldn't dating be fun?  I forgot this...repeat after me...dating should be FUN, but with so many freaks out there, busy schedules and a natural inclination to stay in your comfort zone, this isn't always the case.  






I think we should all take a lesson from Tiger Woods.  OK...I'm not saying sleep with everyone in sight, that is in poor taste! BUT I am saying you should put yourself out there, meet as many people as possible and keep your options open (pending you are SINGLE).  


Next week I will get back in the game and hopefully not strikeout.  This weekend though, all you ladies should carry on and meet some guys.  What do you have to lose?  Your dignity? Your pride? Come on!  Even if you totally make a fool of yourself...chances are you WILL NEVER SEE THEM EVER AGAIN! This is NYC! So go on, get out there; I need a pinch hitter...




"Freak of the Week"

"A for Effort, F for execution Freak"

Stats below

Clearly he is very original in his tagline...


Below is the email he sent to me...


Honestly, NO...I did not crack a smile and my answer would be F) GO AWAY.  If you came up to me and said, "I haven't seen you here before" or "Can I use the machine when you are done" fine..But ..."You are doing it wrong?" No.  F off. That is what I would say to you. The way you try to email girls is nothing but wrong...


What is going on in this pic?  It is like a bad award show orgy.


Below is an excerpt from his profile.  Really?  First of all you use the worlds "Dazzling and Combo" in the same sentence, you admit that shopping is therapeutic and your random "Facts" make you look like you are trying to hard..A for effort, F for everything else.





Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Once Upon a Single Time In NYC...

Growing up, all little girls were told wonderful stories of men traveling long distances, fighting mythical creatures and battling against all odds to save their beloved.  Now a days, you are lucky if a guy picks you up for a date and pays for your drinks.  Times are tough ladies.

If you really think about it and look back at all those stories we are really so in love with, are we really so much different from Cinderella?

Cinderella has a terrible life with a awful stepmom who treats her like garbage and two annoying sisters. She works all day and doesn't have time or money to take care of herself.  She finally gets one night off (aka plays hooky) and gets all dressed up to hit on guys...ok go to the ball (same thing). She ends up meeting an amazing guy, but runs away because she must go home (and probably looks gross after all the dancing to DJ's Got Us Falling In Love by Usher).

This could basically be a Friday night for a NYC gal. Cinderella aka "Cindy" works late for a horrible boss who won't give her any money to get cute clothes or get her hair done, so she basically has to borrow a fierce outfit (www.rentherunway.com) and have a ton of friends make it happen.

Stepmom = nasty boss
Birds, Squirrels, Mice = hot gay guys in chelsea
Fierce Fairy Godmother Dress = Borrowed from Rent the Runway for half the price
Beautiful carriage = broken yellow taxi

As much as this "Fairytale" sounds amazing and like some man is going to sweep you off your feet, the reality is "Cindy" was working hard.  Do you really think the prince would have fallen in love with her looking like a hot mess?  Doubt it.

Pre- Fairy Godmother = Trainwreck

Post Makeover = Girl looks good!

So although we are told our prince charming is out there (and I do believe he is), he isn't coming to save you from your evil boss and bring your amazing shoe back if you don't put in a little bit of work and really get out there to look for him.


The Beauty and The Beast, is a similar tale of romance and understanding, but with a completely different moral.  

It opens with a hot prince being rude to a crazy old lady, who ends up being a beautiful woman with magical powers (aka Oprah) and she casts a spell on him making him ugly-not just ugly...straight up gross. 

Enter Belle, who looks for her crazy dad and winds up shacking up with the beast.  Long story short, he ends up being nice to her (duh he is ugly now, he better be nice) and they fall in love and he gets hot again.

Now...let's think about this.  He was RICH and kind of Ugly.  Now, that doesn't sound too far fetched does it?  Had he been poor and ugly, I can guarantee Belle would have been out of there in a HOT second.

Belle = any attractive girl in nyc
Beast = old wall st guys with deep pockets




Of course, we all know he ends up getting hot after he is nice, but really, what other option did he have? Being mean AND ugly does not = hooking up.  At some point, something has to give.  The beast gets the girl because he ends up being RICH and nice, and then bonus points for getting hot again.




Fairytales can come true, you just have to look a bit harder to realize what they look like when they do!

Monday, September 27, 2010

A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words

Come out, come out wherever you are!  The freaks that is...


I recently received this story below from a friend of a friend out in LA.  Let's call her "Linda".  Below is her scary, but true online dating story.  My eyes will never be the same...


I emailed back and forth a couple times with this guy and he seemed normal.  So we spoke on the phone, and then he seemed really into himself, but nice enough.  I did not encourage any more interaction and thought he would just fade away.  



But 2 days later I started getting these rambling texts that were 3 texts in one.  See below.





Him:




Me:




Him:

Him:
He doesn't even know the different between where and wear.  Ugh. 


Him:



Him:




After you see the image below, you will know why I responded in this manner.  These is nothing you can say to a person like this other than that they are crazy. Wow.


Me:







I gave him mostly monosyllabic responses, but did not expect to receive the frightening image below.  This is the little gem he sent to show me how "sexy" he is.  Wow.















Friday, September 24, 2010

Freaks of the Week: Nude Paintings, Older Marching Band Aficionado and Mr. ME

Match.com minefield in full effect this week.  Below is a sampling of a few more of the freaks who have reached out to me.  Just a warning, the images below are graphic and should only be viewed with caution.  These are your options ladies...

Freak #1
"Finger Painting"

Stats Below...



Don't get drunk and pass out in this guy's place, your naked picture will wind up in an art gallery somewhere



Below are the pictures that I had to leave with their face on because they are too creepy.   This guy is a 36 year old painter (aka Unemployed Freeloader) from NYC.  



Hiding behind an oil painting of a 16th century lumpy butt isn't hot


Judging from his profile pic, I'm pretty sure this isn't a self portrait. 



Freak #2
"Young At Heart?"

Stats Below


While I know NYC can take a toll on everyone, there is NO WAY the man below is 32 years young.
Mathematically speaking, If  I=24 and U=32,

then X + I = NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T 32



Ok, so he is the guy on the right, BUT he might as well be the guy on the left.

Honestly, if you are "32" then I'm 16.  There is no way.  You better bring your birth certificate on the first date.  He also had the following info on his profile.  SO not ok.  I think he might be having an identity crisis.  Is this Glee for older gay gentlemen with a slight bias again Asians? WTF.  Even if this is the truth...save it. Save it for someone who will understand you (aka an older gay gentleman with an affinity for show tunes and jazz hands).




Freak #3
"Mr.ME"

Stats Below


Let me just tell you the pics were nothing to look twice at.  He would NOT make any of my Ex's jealous..in fact I think they would laugh and possibly judge me, especially because he is a complete ass.  Below is a legit excerpt from his profile.  I kid you not. 



You may have nice teeth and nice shoes, but I can bet...you aren't getting any action.  Who does this guy think he is?  Homework assignments?  New flash..you aren't that hot and NO ONE CARES.




Thursday, September 23, 2010

Mr. Marriage and other Elusive Men: Case Study #:5


Status Update

Week 5, Date 6

The Stats thus Far (33 Days into this thing)
Winks I've Sent: 60 (it has to happen)
Winks I've Received: 101
Emails I've Sent: 80
Emails I've Received: 96
Profile Views: 1352
Dates I've Had: 6
Freak Count: 5





On my 6th date last night in the 33 days since this started, I finally ran into the very elusive "Marriage" guy.  Now I could tell that the rest of my dates were serious and obviously looking for someone, but this guy was different.  See his stats below.




We went to a bar around the corner from my place (even though he lives in Queens) which was really nice of him!  He was pretty funny, goofy, bought me drinks and food and overall a decent time.  Below are the somewhat weird, but true facts...

-He went on a tangent about getting married for about 30 minutes.  I was an innocent bystander in this marriage onslaught and wasn't sure what to do.  He told me his 30 year old brother has been married for 6 years and has been with his wife for about 14 years now (since high school..ughhh).  He wants to get married in the next two years and have kids in the next 3.  Glad he knows what he wants, I just felt ambushed!
-He told me he was the "Short Fat Kid" in middle school/ high school and has just recently gotten over this (umm yikes...Damaged Goods anyone?)  However, he is now 6'0" and probably 185 (so not short nor fat anymore, pretty cute actually)



- He and his friends MADE UP a frat in college...legit made it up.  He was into music so they made up a pretend frat (file under weird shit that definitely didn't get them laid in college)
-He went on an emotional feelings rant about how his last girlfriend was supposed to move with him to NYC from chicago, but broke up with him the second he got here.  He had a two bedroom apartment for them and everything.  Yikes! More damaged than I thought!

Although he wasn't the right guy for me, overall he only gets a few freak points.  Definitely not the worst I've gone out with AND he is actually looking to be in a serious relationship and get MARRIED! He was very upfront and honest about this.

Ladies...this is A FLASH sale.  Guys like this are only around for a limited time and a in short supply. So if you are looking to get hitched in the next year or so...send me an email- I'll give you his info!   I feel like I should have tagged him and released him back into the nyc cityscape with a giant -LOOKING TO GET MARRIED stamp and see what happened.





This guy was relatively cute, nice, but a bit awkward and only somewhat of a freak.  He just needs to find another freak ready to take the plunge!  






Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Meaning of the Word NO...and the Art of Shutting Someone Down


No Means Hell NO

There comes a point in every person’s life where they will be told no.

Maybe it is your Coach- No you can’t eat bacon Lasagana (*see http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com)  Maybe it is your friends -No we won’t hang out with you if you wear your tight pants and have a funny moustache at school (*Look at this fucking hipster.com http://www.latfh.com/) Or possibly your parents...no you can’t cut your hair like that (http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/).  





Most of the aforementioned “NOs” are socially acceptable and are for your own good. Likewise, the "No Thank You Second Date Text" is for your own good.

We all have encountered a few guys we would like to say HELL NO to, but common decency and “social standards” have dictated a polite thanks, but no thanks text or call.  


Exhibit A

If a girl does not respond to your text…DO NOT kept texting her until she does.  She didn’t respond, because she doesn’t like you.  Below is a recent example from a friend...Let's call her Elle.  





The texts go on and on, but she finally responded with a "No Thanks".  If we don't respond to two texts, we don't like you and you should STOP being creepy.



Exhibit B

Do not continue to engage us in text or conversation.  We are just trying to be nice, but we don’t care.  I was asked on a second date by a few of the guys I have gone out with and instead of ignoring them (wanting to avoid exhibit A) I tried the simple, "You are nice, but we should just be Friends".  No dice.  They kept on engaging me in text conversation...leading me to be unresponsive and try previously mentioned ignoring tactics.  




One thing that should be cleared up is, if a women says thanks, but no thanks…that is basically her way of saying Are You F*ing Kidding? I’d rather sit at home and watch biggest loser eating a vat of Ben & Jerry’s than get hit on by you ever again.





I'm here to tell you...PLEASE CEASE AND DESIST..stop texting us after we tell you no and if we don't respond it is the same as NO.  Persistence is not a dating virtue, it is why you are single and we aren't calling you back.  

Friday, September 17, 2010

Shut-ins, Cat Eaters and Other Embarrassing People That Should Get Out More

Living in NYC, you naturally see various types of people and all kinds of crazy stuff.  Homeless people having sexual relations (yes, check that off my "Been there, Seen That" list), Trannys who make a better woman than I do and gothic guys wearing capes listening to doomsday music yelling about the world ending (he lives in soho...check him out if you can!)

Some people are naturally a bit closer to the "freaky" spectrum of life, but I'm sure most are still looking for love.  Below is a just another sampling of people who appeared to be more in the normal range, but again...looks can be deceiving.  Below are ACTUAL photos from match.com.


Exhibit A


Above is an actual screenshot of the photos he had on his profile.  When you just click on the first picture he looks somewhat normal, then upon further examination you realize he has over a dozen of pictures like this.  Can you say CREEPY?  These are all clearly taken by himself at these various locations.  18 pictures of yourself taken by yourself = this is why you are single (and I assume not getting laid)

Exhibit B


Really?  I am assuming your hobbies read, "Dungeons and Drags Regional Chapter President and Star Trek Convention Coordinator" 

What is even worse is that he is one of the guys with the weird profile names.  Weird profile name + weird picture = no fighting chance of meeting anyone UNLESS you are at one of the previously mentioned group's afterwork mixers. 




Exhibit C





PETA would not be pleased with the two images above, nor would any normal person.  The first begs the question...Why? Why are you in a photo studio with a cat in your mouth probably having headshots done after this?  Also, the cat looks like he is even embarrassed for you.  This picture is just disturbing and it gives your date the impression, "I'm going to eat your pets". 

The second is just as weird, but gets less awkward points because it isn't professionally done. Good for you.  BUT this is the second picture I have found of guys with birds on their heads.  Is this a growing trend?  Single guy meets bird, takes pics, thinks it will entice the ladies.

Exhibit D




does not =




WOW...this one doesn't leave much to the imagination on how MUCH of a FREAK you are.  Sorry, but this isn't Mel Gibson in "What Women Want" and you weren't paid a bunch of money to do this.  Why don't you save this for that special someone's eyes only, if you ever find her with those legs!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Tongue Tied: Case Study #4

Status Update.

Week 4, 5 Dates 

The Stats thus far (26 days in)
Winks I've Sent: 47 (Winking is like poking on facebook...kind of creepy)
Winks I've Received: 76 
Emails I've Sent: 57
Emails I've Received: 86
Profile Views: 1056
Dates I've had: 5
Freak Count: 4




Date #5.  Stats are below.




I met him at a nice enough rooftop bar in midtown after a slew of text messages.  He texted me 3 times the day of just to confirm.  Below are some of the excerpts that I was able to get from my phone right before we met. Also, please note the length and number of texts...very intense!










He was MUCH shorter than his profile said, again see *profile exaggeration*....He probably was 5'4" on his best day and he just LOOKED TINY.  He was super excited, almost too much so.  He was very chatty, to the point where I would just talk so I didn't have to listen to his crazy stories (The kind of stories that just keep going on and on and don't even have a point).  

He was sweet and nice, but it was somewhat like talking to a 70 grandmother who knew all of the gossip in town.  Tons of hand gestures, crazy laugh, totally into trash talking about celebs and just a little weird.






I proceeded to keep drinking to dull the pain of the date, until we finally got kicked out because the bar was closing!  YES.  Saved by the early "last call".  I was glad to be leaving..just drunk enough to be pleasant, ready to say goodnight...then out of nowhere, BUTT GRAB AND LIP LOCK.  Not ok...I'm not sure what part of our conversation made him think I was asking for this..but he came at me.  I was like a deer in headlights and he was like a shark just coming at me with his big teeth and tongue all over the place.








It was quit offensive to say the least...his teeth even hit mine.  What did my teeth ever do to you that you feel the need to BASH them against yours? The kiss was just all over the place.  I should have known from his over zealous attitude that this would happen, but I was ill equipped seeing as I dulled my senses with the drinks he bought me. 

The worst part is that he INSISTED on taking me home in a cab.  At first I thought it was sweet, until he tried to kiss me again.  Wtf?  Did he not see my facial reaction after the first kiss?  Ugh.  However, the second time we kissed I did feel a little something...but it was more of a deja vu from middle school.  

The way he kissed me was like he had never felt a boob before and we were in 6th grade in my friend's basement playing spin the bottle.



The teeth bashing and tongue lashing (literally), eager beaver attitude and your old lady ways tell me...this is why you are single.