Same Weird Stuff, Different Guy: Case Study #2

Last night I  went on another "special" date with a guy I met online.

Let's Call him "NJ Nick"

"NJ Nick's" Stats:

Ok, let me first start by saying that when I accepted this date, that was not his tagline and he said he was not very NJ and just a nice genuine guy.  Once again, people LIE.  This picture also appeared on his profile yesterday before we went out.  I really wanted to give him a chance, but this is NOT OK.  Most girls (bouffant, self tanner, fake nails girls excluded) don't need this full man-breast shot. It isn't necessary nor sexual. It just shows us you are really, really, really into yourself and you likely have an ugly bathroom.

They say don't judge a book by its cover, but what if the cover reads, "Me, Myself and NJ: A Story of Love and Loss and How I Shaved My Chest Hair" ?  I think you should run. 

Exhibit A

The Date

We met at a sports bar in Murray Hill, first clue this was going to be "Frat-tastic".  (See definition below for those of you that are unfamiliar) 

Well the date started on a high note with "Hey!" and went downhill after he said ...My Name is "Nick".  

I can't even go into a full recap of the event.  It was too painful, yet totally ridiculous. I must have looked like a deer in headlights the entire time; not sure if I should run or stay to listen to the verbal onslaught that would undoubtedly occur.   

Random quotes/facts from our encounter

-He loves Halloween (like I do!) but because girls dress "Slutty" (this is where we differ...)

-His favorite movie is "Harrold and Kumar Go To White Castle" (No Comment)

-He and his "Bros" (yes, he used the word Bro...) love to go clubbing in nyc, play lax and "keep fit" 

-He told me he was into my career, because "That's hot.  A girl who works and can buy me nice things rocks.  I'm not your typical guy...i appreciate feminists" - (Um ok wow.. Not enough time in the day for this one.)

-He went on a RANT about how he wasn't the typical "city guy" and he was into hanging out and watching sports, but yet appreciates a fine tailored suit (his suit talk went on for about 15 minutes). He is passionate, yet caring.  Strong, yet kind. Hardworking, yet a lot of fun...the list and rant went on and on.

-He called me "sweetie"or some variation about 100 times.

-He tried to plant a big kiss on me and grabbed my ass.  When I declined he responded "I like it when a girl plays hard to get!" (no it was more of a ...kissing you makes my lips want to fall off kind of situation)

Basically, he sounded like the bipolar version of "the situation" on crack...  

You talked AT me for 2 hours, called me "hun/Sweeties/babe" every 5 minutes and the only person you could date is yourself..this is why you are single.

Older, but Not Wiser...

The man below is 46 and he felt it was necessary to wink at me online...

His Stats:

He also had the WEIRDEST pictures on his profile, pictures that he wasn't even in and looked like screen savers (exhibit A). While I’m impressed you can use the internet and know how to upload photos at your age, I am not nor will anyone else my own age be interested. 

Exhibit A

This is not a test...these are actual images from his profile

Winking at girls half your age is NOT ok.  Unless you are Michael Douglass, Rod Stewart or some other famous/rich celeb…it isn’t going to happen for you.

You are old, not that hot and … did I say YOU ARE OLD? You are 46 years old and I am 24.  You could have been my FATHER and I could have been you “Oops! Baby”. 

Go wink at women your own age like Betty White.  Although, she is a catch so I doubt she would be interested...

Also, the fact that you need to tell people you are “A groomed, healthy male that is good in all situations” is just weird (exhibit B).


Exhibit B

Old men who could be your dad + weird pictures + not hot = THIS is why you are single.

 

+ 

+ 

=

“Back that Ass Up”

While I can appreciate the finer things in life like expensive shoes, Italian leather or trips to exotic places…I don’t appreciate you yelling at me about my ass.  While in DC this weekend, I got to experience the amazing culture of "Cat Calls".  I know women have boobs and butts, but it really isn’t necessary to shout at us or even attempt to grab “the goods”?

It makes no sense.  Has a woman really ever turned around and said, “YES! My dream man!  So happy you said I have a NICE ROUND BOOTY!  Let’s go back to your place and have SEX!”

If experience has told you anything, this method doesn’t work and you getting smacked in the face or kicked in the balls will likely be the only action you get for the night.

My advice to you…STOP! Or at least one of you should play “the concerned friend” who comes over to stop your frat boy behavior.  He might get laid…but this is why you are single.

This is why you are Single: Case Study 1 and "Freak of the Week”

I’m not saying you won’t find love or a committed relationship on any one of these dating sites (success stories to come), but I’m starting to think this dating website is more like a minefield than a needle in a haystack. 

You are much more likely to get bombarded by freaks (see my picture analogy below) than get a great thoughtful email from a genuinely nice (aka cute) guy.

This week I had my first date via online dating.  Let’s call him “Steve”

“Steve’s” Stats:

Ok...Maybe I should have known from his tag line, but I can tell you one thing about online dating…people lie.  “Steve” was definitely not 5’11” , nor was he into working out or most of the things he mentioned.  He was however, weird. 

We met at a wine bar in gramercy for “drinks”.  “Drinks” is in quotes because he doesn’t drink as you can see from his stats.  I thought this was a clever ploy for him not to attract booze hounds or alcoholics, I stand corrected. 

I proceeded to order my giant glass of wine (I needed it) and hear him order a seltzer water.  Umm hello?  Ok this isn’t a I don't feel like drinking, I don’t like the taste, I was hung over the other day not drinking drink.  Seltzer water is usually a drink with hidden connotation (see alcoholic or just weird person).  As I probed a bit into why he didn’t drink, he said “I used to be a wild man, totally nuts when I would drink”.  

Is it wrong that I would have rather hung out with the drunk version of himself?  He sounds like way more fun…

As the date progressed I found out other random tidbits…

-He described his family as “A Cat Family” (file under things that don’t get you laid)

-He has a bunch of tattoos , not the hot kind, the weird I may have been too drunk kind and they are like a bracelet on his leg (please reference his recovering alcoholic status-harsh, but I meant it)

-His outfit did not say first date, it said…”Shit! I haven’t done laundry in a month" 

-His profile said “works out 3-4 times a week” but then he said he lost 40lbs just by walking to work in the past month…yikes    

I can't even remember all the weird analogies he made, or awkward shit that happened, but my friend said it best…”Weird Tats and Too Many Cats” 

No thanks…This is why you are single

Freak of the Week Spotlight 

"Divorced Freak"

Stats:

The answer is simple...HELL NO!

Profile picture with his kid...wtf?

In His About me Section...Wow..Sign me up for a divorcee with a crazy ex

An Email I Received

All is can say here is ...YIKES.  Does anything in my profile scream "I WOULD LOVE TO DATE A DIVORCED GUY WITH A KID?" No..I read my profile again and it screams not dealing with anyone who has children. 

I think we may have another "Copy and Paste Lover" on our hands as he did not even express interest in me or my profile. 

You have a 4 year old child, a crazy ex-wife and have already done the marriage thing...go raise your kid and get off match.com!  This is why you are single..again.

Just a Dip in the Murky Dating Pool...

Last week a co-worker and I signed up for a dating website  (See JPG below and note age range...hmm) and this marks my first full week on the journey to discover ...this is why you are single.

The stats thus far (6 days in):

Winks I’ve Sent: 12 (why not?)

Winks I’ve Received: 16

Emails I’ve Sent: 15

Emails I’ve Received: 31

Profile Views: 154 People

Men I’ve Encountered thus far…

“Single Stalker”
 One of the worst types of singles on this website...the person who won't leave you alone.  Please see below Exhibit A for reference.  This is an "exchange" of emails between one single and my single self.  I use the word "exchange" loosely, as this was a one sided conversation.


I kid you not about these emails.  I did not respond to any of these messages below, but notice the date.  Each one is from August 22.  I dub you ..."single stalker" You are a needy aggressive single freak...and this is why you are still single.


Exhibit A

“Copy and Paste Lover”
As I mentioned previously, a co-worker and I joined this website together. Below is what I received and 10 minutes later...what she received.  You are a copy and paster... I'm glad you think my friend and I are all of those things below (we definitely are)... but get real.  You will date ANYONE and this is why you are single... because you have no standards and you don't know what you want.

Exhibit B

“Weird User Name Guy”

While I can appreciate a general zest for life, there are just some user names that I don't think send the right message.  Anything on a dating website with the words “Crazy or Freak” just don’t lend themselves to dating or anything related to your grooming, drinking or freak fetish habits.  Please reference Exhibit C and file under...THIS is why you are single.

Exhibit C

The user names alone are pretty single-worthy, but the pictures..oh the pictures were priceless...

Single: A definition...

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/single
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single_person

I love the sentence they use to describe single..."The single survivor of the disaster".  Really?  or "of or relating to celibacy" Yikes.  Isn't that a little harsh and presumptuous?  Some people I've met and thought to myself...OK...this is why you are single, but it usually isn't that cut and dry.  However, this blog isn't about the grey moments on the spectrum of dating; it is about those specific instances that explain why some people are single. period.

This website is a bit of a funny insight on singles in nyc, but also a look at the amazing, hilarious and weird occurrences along the way.  My personal "wtf" moments and my "hell no" moments will all be documented.

This is just an experiment...